Archives for category: Modern Society

BIG JOHN

Big John barely fit his belly through the opening as he emerged from the manhole in the middle of Ridgewood Avenue. In his bright orange jumpsuit he resembled the sun rising out of a dark-hued sea.
“Hey, Stu,” he shouted in a surprisingly high-pitched tone. “Ya gonna play some ball tonight?”
It struck people in Ridgewood as incongruous when a suit-clad attorney was seemingly accosted on the street by the most conspicuous representative of the sewer department. But after fifteen years of playing softball on Big John’s team, I was not alarmed.
It all began in the summer of ’83 when I was new to town. I took a walk in the municipal park one weekend, tidy in my white alligator shirt and tennis shoes. A bear of a man dressed insanely in black, given the heat, shouted in my direction from the middle of a softball diamond.
“Hey, you!”
I turned around to see who he meant.
“Yeah, you, in da white shirt,” he continued. “Ya wanna play some ball?”
I indicated my lack of proper clothing and that I had no glove, but the man was undeterred.
“We got equipment,” he said. “We need a right-fielder.” He strode closer, looming as a mass of black-clad belly and beard and handed me a glove.
“Go stand over dere.” He pointed to right field. “You won’t have to do much in right field.”
I started to move towards my designated position while he returned to the infield.
“Uh,” he turned around to face me again, apparently aware of having committed a faux pas. “I’m Big John.”
He was right about being big but he was wrong about there being no action in right field. I made two diving catches that day, ruining a new LaCoste and bloodying both knees. I also hit a double and a triple. My new teammates looked at me as if I were from Mars, little suspecting that I had played shortstop for four years of college.
At the end of the game, Big John approached and grabbed my hand in his paw. “Well,” he said. “Ya gonna be a member of da Mafia?”
“Hunh?” I responded.
“Da Mafia. Dat’s what da team is called,” he said.
The black uniforms with a yellow pistol across the chest now made sense. Or, if they still did not make sense, at least they were explained.
Professionally, my teammates ran the gamut from trash truck driver to garbage separator, from short-order cook to carpet installer; it was a veritable potpourri of blue collar occupations. Most, however, were employed by the sanitation department. Over the ensuing fifteen years, I became “one of the guys,” though I was always looked at askance as the one who had gone to college. I do not think any of them had considered that a lawyer attends several years of school beyond college.
Big John, it turned out, was a recovering alcoholic. Our team’s cooler was filled with soda, not the beer that lubricated most of our opponents. This, too, helped me to fit in, to the extent I did, since I could not possibly have imbibed with the enthusiasm of my teammates if that were part of the experience.
My play over the years was rarely as spectacular as that first day, but I became a solid contributor to the Mafia. It was not long before I was promoted to my accustomed spot at shortstop.
Big John used to stop by my office unannounced when he was working nearby. He never failed to startle my secretary and any client that might happen to be present. I never did get a client from the team over the years, though they were not strangers to legal entanglements. I looked at softball as a pleasant break from work and was relieved to explain that I only knew about real estate and mortgage issues, not the DUI, bankruptcy, divorce and immigration issues that beset them.
One day, Big John appeared in my office beside himself with joy. His youngest son, JJ, whom I had first seen at age four when he would practice shouting his impressive command of curse words from the top of a jungle gym, had graduated from high school. Thanks to his inherited girth, he was offered a scholarship to play football at a Division-2 college. At six-foot-six and three hundred pounds, only the fact that he also shared his father’s amiable personality prevented him from being pursued by a larger program.
“That’s great!” I enthused.
“He’s da first in da family to go to college,” said Big John, tearing up.
I was so amazed to see him start to cry that I offered him a hug though it was impossible to get my arms around him. “That’s really wonderful, Big John,” I said, touched.
I was delighted for Big John that day, and proud of JJ. I’d heard or read about students who were “first in the family” so many times that I considered the concept somewhat trite. In my milieu, I was always surrounded by professional and educational success and I had lost sight of what a major accomplishment that could be. But here he was, standing before me in actual time, the real deal, the embodiment of the American dream, the proud father.
JJ was destined to break his Dad’s heart, and many others, before he wrapped his Trans Am around a telephone pole on the way home from a bar one night, six years later. His funeral was attended by so many friends and admirers, mostly Big John’s, that a line snaked hundreds of yards around the corner outside the funeral home.
The college experience had lasted only one year. The coaches did not like JJ, according to Big John, quoting JJ, at the time. JJ returned home, and failed repeatedly in the interim years, trying to start an auto repair shop or a restaurant or a laundromat. He was good at one thing, however. Though he never married, JJ was the father of four children, with three women, at the time of his death.
Big John is retired from work now, but not from parenting. Two of JJ’s kids live with him and his wife full-time, the whereabouts of their mothers unknown. The other two are left off most weekends for baby-sitting. The oldest child, now six, is named Junior. He shares his family’s precocious size and energy. Big John brought him up to the office to show him off. “Wait’ll you see dis one all grown up! He’ll play for Rutgers, for sure, and we’ll have a college graduate in da family!”


DENTISTS

Is it my imagination, or have dentists become more mysterious over the years? From childhood I recall Dr. Graboyes being the greeter at the door, the hygienist, the driller, the filler and the biller. When you went to see Dr. Graboyes, you saw HIM.

After Dr. Graboyes retired, I spent the teenage years visiting Dr. Libby, a man of few words. Not only did he ask ME to open and say “ahhhh,” he was unable to complete a sentence himself without saying “ahhh” or “ummm” several times.

This personal affect, pointed out to me impolitically by my mother, was a source of hilarity, or as much hilarity as was possible with one’s mouth held open in anticipation of persistent and penetrating pain. It probably served me right to be paralyzed with fear given my imitations of Dr. Libby’s speech patterns.

The experience with Dr. Libby inspired me to desist from seeing a dentist for nearly ten years until, in my mid-20’s, I experienced my first actual toothache. What to do? Away from home and sort of an adult, I now faced the dual, dire prospects of choosing a dentist and PAYING for the visit myself.

A client of my law firm was a maker of dentures, and he told me the best local dentist was Dr. Godwin. Armed with this endorsement, I arranged an appointment post-haste. Unlike the dentists of my childhood, Dr. Godwin was insulated from actual patient contact by a successive gauntlet of receptionist, hygienist, radiographer and assistant. Only after all four had completed preliminary prodding, poking and probing of my insurance situation and dental status did Dr. Godwin deign to descend.

He offered a halting handshake, conferred with his minions and gazed into my gaping mouth. He offered several mmmm’s and harumphs, picked at the offending molar, and finally left the room wordlessly. With my mouth filled with equipment I strained to comprehend what would happen next. I feared it would involve a needle, a drill and a lot of expense. I was correct on all counts. The need for a cap was the diagnosis, said the assistant and, if I did not mind, he was going to do the work. He assured my unblinking eyes and unclosing mouth that he would work under the close supervision of Dr. Godwin.

I know my mother would not have agreed to such an arrangement and I especially know that my wife would not have agreed to such an arrangement. But my mother was not there, and my wife was still five years from being known to me, so the 25-year-old naif had his first cap completed by a recent dental school graduate who may have been completing HIS first cap.

The happy ending, if a dentist story can have one, is that the cap seems to have been installed satisfactorily. In subsequent visits to that office over nearly two decades, I have never seen the man to whom I make out the checks for more than a minute and have still never shared an entire sentence with him. I guess that is considered progress. Mastery is now equated with mystery.


Dear Subscribers:

The story below grew out of a writing group session.  The prompt was that we closed our hands and were given a sprig of something.  All the women recognized it to be rosemary and wrote about cooking and herbs and Simon & Garfunkel.  I thought it was wheat so thought of my gardening class.  This continues an apparent theme of placing myself as a naif in a self-deprecating manner.  The leader suggested a whole collection of “fish out of water” experiences.  But I’m not certain that I want that to be my legacy…

As a new arrival to NC and a recent refugee from a career, I was seeking a new and interesting experience.  An organic farming program at the Central Carolina Community College seemed just right.  I figured I would learn some new planting techniques and pest control measures and experience, for three hours a week, the lifestyle of a real working farmer. Little did I suspect that organic gardening is one part gardening for about nine parts chemistry and soil analysis along with liberal doses of incomprehensible terms like “pH.”

The course began with the usual introductions of the participants.  Several were already professional farmers in search of information and techniques in the “organic” realm.  Several others were considering career changes into full-time farming though they tended to have degrees or experience in such related fields as botany or forestry.  One classmate had just inherited 27 acres and was seeking inspiration —  organic farm or housing development?

A surprisingly large contingent of the students, or at least surprising to
me, were women intent upon establishing a lesbian commune.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, as they say.  And then there was me, the old English major, in over my head once again.

The farmer/professor was Doug Jones, whose back story, if I knew it, would probably make a better story than this.  Doug is a Harvard graduate circa 1975 who somehow missed the memo about investment banking.  He has the stringy body of a man who has been doing back-breaking, painstaking physical labor for 40 years.  Just as stringy is the obligatory grey ponytail that falls down the middle of his back.  I am certain that Doug’s jeans and boots and flannel shirts all started out everyday clean; however, by the 5 p.m. start of our class, they were caked in strata of North Carolina soil that Doug could analyze in intense, fascinated detail, for several hours.  To me, they just looked muddy.

And THAT summarizes the course for me in a nutshell.  Yes, I learned how to lay a tomato plant sideways in its hole.  I learned to squeeze a seedling with proper tenderness when transplanting.  I learned how to construct a raised bed and how to make a temporary greenhouse.  I learned that one should not refer to the class as orgasmic gardening in front of a large contingent of classmates who somehow lost their senses of humor.

But I also learned that being a farmer is extraordinarily hard work and
being an ORGANIC farmer multiplies the difficulty exponentially.  There is weather to contend with, and bugs and bacteria and heat and drought and unpredictable prices and shortages of supplies and floods and hail. Yes, hail in North Carolina.

Farming is seven days a week, 365 days a year, and if the farmer is LUCKY, there will be a tiny profit at the end.  So, though I was exposed to the farmer’s life and I am happy to apply the lessons I learned to my 5 X 10 foot plot at home, there is no new career in it for me.  But I am a lot less likely to complain about the price differential of organic produce at the market.